i'm the suckiest suck that ever lived

Today has been too long. I just want to go home and curl up in my bed, with my nice warm blankets and stop worrying about everything.

I got in a fight with my daddy last night when he called. I feel so bad that he is putting the last nine hundred dollars that I owe the school on a credit card. He is actually sending a check to me for the amount but somehow it is coming from a credit card.

If feel crappy enough because I know that they can't really afford to do this. Then he tells me that this is just putting him more indebt. And they owe this much more to my little sister.

That is when I started yelling and telling him not to do it. He seriously made me feel like shit. He paid off the rest of my computer to get it off of his credit card. I don't think they understand that I plan on paying them back for the stupid computer. It is just impossible now.

Then he tells me that they tried to get me to get a better job this summer. I am crying now, because it always comes back to my jobs or lack of. I went to Job Services for two weeks everyday tring to find a job that wasn't fast food. All Job Services wanted to offer me was housekeeping positions. I didn't want to do that again. So it was either that or food services.

So I spent one morning going to all the little fast food places and getting applications. Took them home filled them out, took them back and went to see Nathan.

Taco Bell had called before I even got back into town, even though I had told the manager that I would be out of town for the weekend. Called them back the day I got home and went in to work the very next day.

I am sorry, I had bills that I had to pay then, I couldn't sit around waiting for a better job to appear on the doorstep. It wasn't going to happen.

Any way I know I have messed things up something big. I am terrible with money. I felt like shit at Wal-Mart yesterday with Dorea while she was getting groceries. I hate that she had to pay for gas to get us to and from Butte for Thanksgiving.

I just hate that I can't take care of myself well enough. That I can't get a job that will allow myself to pay for school. That my car is either going to fall apart sitting in a parking lot somewhere, or worse while I am driving down the highway sometime.

I worry about all of this stuff and my future. I am such a mess right now, how much worse can it get.

I hope class is short today, I really just want to curl up in my bed and cry.