poor pat

Subject: Teenage Dirtbag

Hey Crista,

How are you? I'm not doing so well. Lately I've reached a point in my life where all of the needs I have that haven't been fulfilled are coming back to haunt me. I'm happy for you Crista, but I'm also jealous. What you have with Nathan is beautiful. But it's killing me. Tonight, like so many times before, I have been hit with a conflict of interest. I don't want to be alone, but I can't stand seeing couples being happy with eachother. It makes me feel really lonely and ignored. I'm happy for you though, I think it's great that you have some one to be with and enjoy the moment with. The reason I leave a lot of times is either because I'm feeling that I'm not a part of the group or that I get that lonely feeling because I see you and Nathan, or I listen to Nikki talk about Mark. I'm just feeling left out of the world. Normally it wouldn't mind me that the world is just passing me by, but like I said earlier, my need for acceptence and caring has caught up with me. I don't want to ramble on, but I need to talk. And since I can never find a time to talk to you alone, this will have to do. Tonight I left your house because I felt like I was interuppting you and Nathan. Plus I was reminded of the fact that I haven't had a relationship in about 5 years. When I first saw you and Nathan getting close at the beginning of the year, I was angry at Nathan. I still liked you a lot then, and I still do. But I got over my anger once I realized that he wasn't my competition since I was never in the running. Anyway, that must have sounded pretty dumb. I'm not obsessed or anything, I just have a crush on you. Always have. But I'm better suited to just another face in the crowd. I miss having some one to talk about everything to, some one to care about, some one to care about me. I haven't even touched some one more than casually in 5 years. I have only ever kissed a person twice. Twice in my entire life. And neither time did it mean anything. I must sound truely pathetic right now. You probably think I'm some freak and you won't ever want to talk to me anymore. That seems to be the standard response people give me when I'm honest. But I think I shall wrap this up now, I've rambled on for too long. Adios chica bonita.

Pat

My reaction: It is only obvious that he still likes me. I knew that this whole year would be a problem from the very start. I knew he wasn't over me and seeing me around would just make things worse. I even considered not coming back to school here after the summer just because he would be here and I didn't want it to be this way for him. I decided not to change my life to save his feelings.

Now with the stuff happening between Nathan and I, things have only got worse. But the situation with me and Nathan is a lot of his fault. If he had never started teasing us about finding a room, it would have never turned into anything more than to really big flirts flirting with each other.

They put the idea in my head and the more i denyed it that anything would ever happen, the more I started liking Nathan. Now, I do like Nathan, I like how things are between us. I am confused, because I don't really know what is going on, but it is nice.

I got tired of trying to not hurt Pat's feelings, so now I just let things happen the way they are going to happen. I am sorry if Pat gets hurt, I really am. His a good guy, hopefully someday he will find happiness.

Quick update on My Nathan whistle.

Mark was acting weird after he called it my Nathan whistle last night. Nikki told me why today while we were driving to McD's. When Mark said that Nathan turned and winked at me. Mark was the only one that saw it though.