I'm back and it hasn't been 4 months

Since this summer started things have been getting more and more confusing as each day passes. I love Nathan with all of my heart and I can't wait to hear his voice again, see his face again and do all the silly little couple stuff that you take for granted when you are always together.

The closer the day comes when he will be back in the states I doubt myself even more. He is going to come home and realize that he doesn't love me anymore. Worse yet that he never did and because I liked him so much, he just went along with it. I think like that and I know I am just driving myself crazy things are going to be okay and I am just being paranoid.

But then I think that I haven't recieved a real letter from him since November last year. The few chances that we have gotten to chat since my computer broke he seems like a different person. Monday we talked and it sounded like he didn't even want to come back to the states because it is going to be too cold in Wyoming when he gets back. We talked about living in Mexico when we grew up.

I don't know what to think about much of anything at all these days.

Last night after work I gave Patrick a ride home because his car is still broken, not a big deal, we are friends we hang out and have a good time, he needed a ride, I was there. I'd been home for about 30 minutes and his friend Joel calls my cell phone because Patrick isn't answering his phone.

Here is how the conversation went.

Shannie: "Crista isn't that your phone?"
Crista: "Who is calling me so late?" (for some reason I think the phone ringing after I get off work is late) "Hello."
Joel: "Hey Crista, this is Joel, do you know what Patrick's plans were tonight, he isn't answering his phone?"
C: "Um, when I dropped him off after work he said something about taking a shower and then doing some reading because he was going to start working on a paper tomorrow night."
J: "Really that is all that he was going to do?"
C: "That is all he said to me when I dropped him off. I know he made it home because I took him but what he decided to do after I dropped him off is beyond me."
J: "The only number I have for him is his cell number, I don't get why he isn't answering."
C: "Joel, do you want me to look up his apartment number and give you a call back in a few minutes?"
J: "Would you do that for me?"
C: "Yes, I can do that I will talk to you in a few sweetie, bye."
J: "Thanks, bye."

The conversation ends, I page through the phonebook on my cell phone write down the number and give Joel a call back.

C: "Hey sweetie, it's Crista. (Insert the part when I give him Patrick's phone number.)"
J: "Thanks Crista." (Followed by a couple minutes of regular conversation that I don't really remember because I was so confused by the fact that Joel would call me looking for Patrick.)

I don't get it. I have no idea what is going on with Patrick and I. It started out as having a good time at work. Then he would invite me to hang out with his friends with him, or over to his house with a group of people to watch movies. Since bonkrood and Aaron came to visit me in August he spends a lot of time holding my hand when we are hanging out together. I know that I have talked to him about Nathan and he has heard me talking about Nathan with other people, so I don't know what he thinks is going on and now that Joel is calling me to find out what he is doing I don't know what he is letting his friends think is going on with us.

The night that I went bar hopping with his Patrick his sister and her husband, his brother-in-law was asking me about the springs in Patrick's bed because they were staying the night and Patrick was taking the couch. I was so startled that I didn't even know how to respond to such a crazy question.

The more I think about it all the more confused I get. Am I letting this happen because it has been so long since I have recieved any attention from a guy? Do I let him hold my hand, so people will stop constantly asking me if he is gay? Is anything really happening at all? This is exactly how the relationship with Nathan started though, so I have no idea what to think.

I wish things could be the way they were when I was back in Wyoming. At least then I knew what was going on for the most part.

Jennifer finally called for Cable the other day. I am in heaven. I haven't watched MTV or TLC in over a year. I was watching cribs on MTV earlier I never knew that Shaq was so dumb. Of all the channels that we get CBS still doesn't come in which is a total travesty. Hello Survivor and CSI.

I need to go to bed now, I have to do laundry later today. Night night.

added @ 2:56am So I haven't made it to bed yet. Last night I waited up long enough just to see a music video on MTV, of course the first video that I saw was the one for Trouble by Pink. All day it had been driving me bonkers, Who was that hot guy in the cowboy hat and why does he look so familiar? As I was saying that I needed to go to bed that video came on again and me sitting here with the internet decided to search away. I was getting no where, just as I sent as message to bonkrood's phone asking if she had seen the video it hit me. He was in S.W.A.T. which happenes to be the last movie that I have been to it has been so long since I have gone to a movie. He played Brain Gamble, Colin Farrell's partner at the beginning of the movie. Off to IMDB my little fingers take me and I learn that his name is Jeremy Renner, I thought he was hot in S.W.A.T too, so it wasn't just the cowboy hat, which is what I thought it was the other night when I first saw the video.

Now I am going to bed. Night night.