in which i change subjects a lot

I want to be a train conductor...

They have to get paid pretty good, they must have some sort of health care benifits.

It would be perfect if I could get a job with Burlington North Santa Fe before winter, then by the time it is December 2003 I should have been there long enough to have health insurance. Then my parents will stop freaking out about this pre-existing condition crap (stupid thyroid anyways) and I wouldn't have to worry about spending $100 a month on medicine.

I wonder what kind of school you have to go to, to become a train conductor. I bet it is cheaper than 7 years of college.

<3

On the way back from the grocery store I was listening to the radio and that song "Jesse's Girl" came on. It made me think of an friend and an e-mail that he sent to me. Just listening to that song put everything that he must have felt into percpective.

Why exactly this time that song made me think of Pat I don't know. I have listened to that song a million times since I recieved that e-mail. Was it my feelings of loneliness, the bit of depression that kept up on me while I was on the phone with my cousin Kevin. (Talking about marriage most always makes me feel a little depressed.) What ever the reason was I can now say that Pat and I have a song, because I feel that when ever I hear that song I am going to think of him and how much it must have hurt to see Nathan and I together.

<3

The reflection of my face in the window just scared me. I looked like the stupid mask from Scream. The glow of the monitor shining on my yawning face. I need to go to bed so I can get up and go apply for a job at Target tomorrow sometime before 4pm when I have to get ready for work. I am really tired, but I don't feel like sleeping.

<3

I finished reading "The Two Towers" tonight. It only took me three days to get around to reading the last 50 pages. I borrowed "The Return of the King" from Johnny tonight. I wanted to start reading it before I went to bed, but I don't know how far I will get now because I am so tired.

After I finish this one I can read "The Silmarillion" (which my uncle loaned to me the night I watched "The Fellowship of the Ring" with him at the theatre back in December. I read a little bit of it back then, but when I told Nathan that I was reading it he told me I had to stop and read the others first.

So I will finally be able to read that one without getting in trouble. By the time I finish both of these maybe the forth Harry Potter book will be in paperback and I will be able to buy that for less than $28. I actually think that I can get the hard cover for $17 at Wal-Mart now, but it is a matter of having $17 that I can spend with out feeling terribly guilty/stupid for doing so.

<3

Hopefully the whole job at Target will work out. I will get a discount on purchases at the store. Maybe with the help of employee discounts I will be able to buy the things that would make living in a house on my own more comfortable/entertaining...TV, VCR, desk, bookshelf (right now I have three Taco Bell hot sauce boxes taped together with packing tape for a book shelf in my room and the other little entertainment center thing that I have as a shelf in my room was something that was left outside my dorm when everyone was moving out, it was kind of broken but it works for now that is all that matters to me.) It would be nice to have something real though. I don't even have a frame for my bed, the mattress and box spring are just laying on the floor.

Gah...why do things have to be so difficult/depressing. I would like to feel happy with no worries or cares in the world for just one day. I guess I could steal some of Jenn's anti-depressants, but she needs them far worse than I do, or at least the doctors seem to think so. One attempted suicide is far more serious than years of wishing you were dead and trying to think of ways to die without it actually being suicide.

Because I am to affraid to try killing myself the doctors think I am perfectly fine, but I need to let them know as soon as I get the urge to hurt myself seriously.

I think I need to find a better job most definatly, if I didn't have to worry about how many hours I was going to work from week to week and exactly how I am going to be able to pay my bills I would be a lot happier.

My mom went in to try and pay for my old cell phone on Saturday. She called and told them she was going to drive the 24 miles over to pay for my cell phone and they didn't even bother telling her that they had turned the account over to small claims court. She calls me and yells at me asking me why I hadn't told her that it had gone to court. It was news to me. I haven't gotten anything from them since May. Was that supposed to be the hint to me that they were taking me to court.

Anyway my mom is pissed off at Pyxis. The guy he talked to did nothing but contradict himself and constantly change his story. By the time she was done talking to him he told her he wasn't really sure what was going on, blah blah blah. So my mom is calling the main office sometime today and is going to take care of it all. My mom really wants to own and be able to use my old phone.

It can't have actually gone to court because I have never been served with any papers. My mom told me to deny my identity if any strangers approach me and ask if I am crista... My mom is funny but she has a point if they can decide to change my address from what it actually is to 112 Breezy Hill and expect me to still get my bills they can look for me at Breezy Hill (where ever on earth that may be.)

It is cold in here and I am starting to shiver even though I am wearing pants, t-shirt and sweatshirt so I think I am going to bed.